What it means to be an Egyptian bride?

I have a very close egyptian girlfriend and yesterday her whole life changed - she got married! It is the big dream of egyptian girls! I spent several days with her family to help them and to support my friend before the wedding. I have previously attended a few wedding parties, but I had now idea what it really means for the aruusa (bride) before the final party itself. Here is what I saw and learnt...




The public moving
Her things were piled up at her old home. Her old clothes and her newly bought clothes (like special sexy lingerie for her new life as a wife) were packed away in suitcases, food for the next weeks, some furniture for the rooms of the new house, dishes for kitchen and everything for the toilet, pillows, blankets, sheets and many more boxes of I don't know what:)

Once I arrived they had music already beating from huge speakers in the street. I then realized that the moving will be something like a small party with happy music to accompany the whole action. So finally the moving truck arrived and it was the green light for all the people in the street (neighbors, mainly women and children and just a few close men family members of both sides to help with he more heavy things) to start taking the things from indoors to the truck. For me it looked like a big ants nest, people coming and going to take things and return empty handed...and oh boy there were many hands...at one point I counted 8 children in the bedroom trying to grab anything, literally anything they saw. I managed to save my jeans and my handbag from a chair not to be taken to the truck. It was all chaotic and disorganized and because there were so many people helping it happened very fast! My girlfriend, I will call her Ulfat for this blog to keep her anonymity, told me she really needs my help to carry her things to her new home and I was ready for a long day of hard work, but I soon realized, that the neighbors did all the job and I just tried to survive and save my things within the chaos that was happening between the street and the indoors.

At this point I also understood that once she gave everybody the right to carry her things, her things became public, because everybody could toutch them. I saw 2 little boys take her heavy new  white pillows for her new bed and carry them on the street and place them on other boxes. Once the piles were growing, because they were not balanced, a few fell to the sides and we quickly had to save the brand new clean pillows and sheets from the dust and sand on the street. I was very surprised to see the new mattress and the wedding night bed cover (white silk with golden and silver ornaments, very flashy and attractive) standing in the middle of the street with many women touching the fabric and having excited chit-chat. Even the wedding-night sheets and the bed was now under the public eye. I think out of all her private things I only touched one very special one - the Koran. It was actually a present for her from the groom from the same morning. He came over and she was very shy even to raise her eyes to him, only occasionally smiling towards him, blushing and tense. He gave her his Koran to just look at it, once she handed it back to him, he asked her to keep it. Everyone in the room was amazed, it was a very special, personal and somehow romantic present. She became very happy and showed it with a shy nod in his direction. He on the contrary never wanted to take his eyes off her, only sometimes rising his eyes from her to answer other people's questions.

So her new Koran was laying on the wedding night sheets on the mattress on the street. Then someone shouted "Lets start loading" and the busy ants nest started all over again! The women pulled the bed sheets off the mattress to be loaded to the truck and I noticed the Koran sliding off the sheets and falling towards the street. I saved it! I quickly jumped to catch it from falling. I was the only one who noticed it in the first place and who saw it fall and who reacted to catch it! The ecstatic state of mind of the people in this hour was good to finish the job fast, but also taught me chaos can be dangerous for important details and private things.

So finally we had all the things on the truck and we took off to the new home in the same area, just 3 minutes away. Many children climbed on the truck singing and shouting, the whole street of people walked along side the car, singing and clapping and ululating (making zagareet), the whole thing was very loud, and that was the point. The family needs to let everybody in tha area know, whats happening and that there is soon newlyweds moving into the building. Everybody attended except the bride (I have no idea where she disappeared) and the groom (waiting for us in the new home).

Why getting married is expensive
I have read too many books to always point out the difficulties of egyptian marriages, because its financially too difficult for most families and young couples to afford. Where does the money come from? Usually its a deal between the families shared money, the savings of the parents and also the groom. The bride is not expected to contribute, because usually most young girls from traditional families do not have payed job outside their homes and the general idea is, the groom will have to support her from there on, therefore invest already most of his income to the wedding. That's his first step in his new life with hew future wife. Now I just want to point out one small but too important detail that is working in the disadvantage for the wedding and its budgets.
Why do the newlyweds need 10 cooking pots in the kitchen? Why do they need 20 sheets and 7 blankets in the bedroom? Why does the bride need 16 pairs of sexy underwear? Why does the whole house have to be fully decorated and furnished by the time they first move in? I asked these question from the family and they answered shortly, because this is the tradition in Egypt! The new couple has to be secured for the next 5 years, as it seems to me. They have to have everything at once and ready. Nothing should be lacking. In my eyes the cupboards in kitchen and bedroom already looked over-stocked. I mean, does the bride have no fun in the next few years of choosing and shopping and little by little growing the household to be a fully equipped one? NO, normally not. So I really see this as one of the major reasons the weddings are so expensive to have, because the newlyweds need to be overloaded with things for the future.

Home sweet home
I only saw the bride in the new home 3 times, while it was still being renovated and cleaned before furnishing. Once the walls and floors were ready a punch of closer neighbors arrived to start the furnishing, decorating, placing their things into right places. I spent several hours with these women in the bedroom unpacking Ulfat's clothes and offloading them to the shelves and hangers. They also taught me the "right ways" on folding towels and sheets:) I followed their lead, because they were egyptian and knew their way of things. I was surprised by the fact that the bride was not interested in this part, to have a say about what goes where and how the rooms should be furnished. She was not around and when I saw her later, she didn't really take much interest what was happening in her new home. But the neighbors sure loved it! They came by loose shifts to scrub the floors or to dust or to argue about where to place the flower vase or where to put the extra blankets. So their future home sweet home was made by the collaborative power of the neighbors, this further more proved it will be everyone's business and everybody's wedding, collectively made future for the young couple.
Another thing I noticed when Ulfat was in the new home, was that she never had this kind of  power. For the first time of her life she was asked of her opinion in the important things - where would she like to have a door and where the separating curtain, where is her favourite place for the gas oven, what kind of floral print does she prefer for the walls. His groom was very considerate and placed her in the position of power when she was around. And actually because it was new for her, she really didn't know what to answer, she hadn't developed the sense of choice and decision in her life before with her family. Her opinion was never before asked in that extent and I started to see the light in her eyes that it will be a promising life for her, independent and full of decisions within her own home.
And again I saw other people's eagerness to help, but also the blind eye  when it becomes to the sacred things of wedding and details. I saw one of the women in the bedroom climb on the bed, push away the silk cover and stand on the white wedding sheet just to place something in the upper shelves of the cupboard. It was THE white sheet, the one on which Ulfat will becomes a wife and looses her virginity, the one that will have blood and proves her purity to his husband. I could not stay silent any more! I approached the woman and asked her politely but seriously to climb off the bed and take a chair and not to stand on the white sheet. The women in the room became silent too for that moment, but the oldest one of them quickly realized why I said it and told her to get off the bed. We did not talk about it more, but they sure realized they had made a mistake in the mood of action.
I have also learnt that in a classical Egyptian wedding quests bring no presents, the present actually seems to be collective help and support before the wedding.

Henna night and power-cut
I have seen only one henna party in Cairo before, You can read about it here. This time the henna night was a totally different story. It happened the day after the moving and the day before wedding.
In the morning of the henna party more quests arrived from Alexandria and one of these girls
taught me how to fight the envy and Evil Eye that might threaten the bride. She took a cup of water and mixed in some salt, then splashed it onto thew street in front of Ulfat's home and in the corridor leading to the home. Superstition is still very powerful belief in Egypt, Ive seen it in wealthy high class as well as middle class homes!
This time the henna party took place on the street in-front of the bride's family home. It was the last chance for close family and neighbors to party with Ulfat as a single girl, to celebrate her transition to a wife and share the happiness for her new future. There was a loud music from the speakers, chairs placed into a circle for the older women to sit on and all young women and

children dancing, singing, clapping and ululating. Ulfat arrived to the henna night straight from the beauty salon. She had gone there a a few hours ago to choose the wedding dress. Its customary these days for egyptian brides to rent a dress, rather than to buy one, a matter of budget I suppose. And after the dress was chosen, she already had henna painted on her body at the salon. She arrived and this is what she showed us (privately in her bedroom): she had a butterfly on her shoulder, the word "love" around her left side, above the heart, the eye of Fatima (to protect her from the Evil Eye) around her belly-button and flowers on her feet. She was very proud of her henna paintings, showing it to her friends as a sign of a fresh bride.
To my surprise there was no henna lady in this party to make hennas for the quests. They had what I would call a henna cake! Basically just brown henna paste in a large cake pan decorated with lit candles. They carried it out to the street and

everybody cheered and ululated. The bride was among us in her pretty cocktail dress (black leggings to cover her legs and a scarf for her shoulders, but this time and probably for the first and last time she had hair uncovered on her home street), she was shining in her face and looked gorgeous.
When the candles on the henna cake melted it was time to get one's hands dirty. Literally! The custom is that every girl in the party takes a bit of henna from the pot into their hands and just holds it for 15 min and then washes it off, leaving the palms light brown - a sign that they attended the henna party. I politely declined the custom, because Im just too spoiled with the pretty patterns that the art of henna can offer:)
And all of a sudden there was a power-cut! This is happening often in Egypt and in Cairo, that the government, in order to save power, cuts electricity in some areas for a few hours. This is also why people have stocked their homes with battery lamps and candles.
The power-cut didn't stop the party! Flash-lights came out and girls continued to sing in Acapella! As thay didn't remember all the lyrics for the party songs, they quickly changed into patriotic and revolution songs! It was hilarious! I felt I was back on Tahtir Square and the masses are chanting Morsi down and Sisi for power! They also sang the "Ya Bladi" song and the last big hit "Masr" song. It was the coolest emotion I have ever had in an Egyptian party: darkness, girls dancing and singing with henna in their hands, patriotic songs accompanied by a tabla rhythm, warm dusty wind blowing above the quests.

Attraction versus love
An Estonian proverb says "Work hard and You will find love", meaning love will come to the ones that work, dedicate and wait. They have a similar belief here in Egypt. Love is not needed to start a relationship. A wedding here needs a good hard-working man, who is able to take care of her wife, both emotionally, sexually and financially and a respectable virgin girl from a good family, able to take care of the home and help and please his husband in the home and listen to his orders in the public eye. Often the bride and groom have very little time to get to know each other, because dating or living together before marriage is forbidden in Islam. Usually engagement allows the groom to come over to the family and spend some time with the bride, talking and getting to know each other for a short time and always accompanied by other people. No touching or physical contact is allowed before marriage. This was also the case of Ulfat and hew groom, they knew each other for a very short time. She seemed to like him and he seemed to like her. When I observe them in the room with everybody else around, I had the feeling the biggest excitement they had was attraction to the opposite sex, the idea that soon everything forbidden will be allowed and that they finally have the egyptian dream - marriage.
Lets face it now, real love cannot be developed with a short period of time and it's a matter of luck if the couple will actually hit it off and develop deep feelings for one another in the future. But the best thing to start with in the situation is mutual attraction.
One night I even dared to ask Ulfat's mother: "Do You think they love each other?" We spoke in Arabic, so I didn't catch all of her ideas but by the words I knew I put together her answer for me (which by the way was answered little bit nervously). She told me, the groom looks to be a decent man and Ulfat looks very happy. Her daughter has never heard sweet talk like that before and is very flattered and shy. So after they move in together and start their life together we will see if it really works out. But as time goes by, love will come... With these words I would like to remind all oriental dancers reading this of a famous old Egyptian song "Gana El Hawa", that pretty much talks about the same thing, love coming into their lives and capturing them.
I asked Ulfat's big sister another shocking question, I asked her if her baby sister knows about the wedding night, what will happen, what to do and say. She told me she is too shy to talk about it with her sister. Looks like it is a major taboo subject, that every girl has to figure out by their selves. My Arabic is not good enough to try to explain or give her my advice, so I simply couldn't help her in this and I just prayed things will go well for her.

The beauty salon - bridal factory
I was super happy when Ulfat asked me to accompany her in the bridal beauty salon, because her big sister was busy on the morning of the wedding day. I had only heard rumors about these salons and the chance to go into one and see the full deal was just amazing!
To give You an idea of the timeline of the bridal schedule inside the salong I will cut it short:
Arrival and registration - manicure - pedicure - waiting - getting into the wedding dress - fitting the dress - waiting - waiting - waiting - make up - waiting - hairdresser and head veils - meeting the groom in the hall - photo shoot in a studio in the same building - leaving the salon to take the wedding car to the party place.

My plan was that along side her I will make my own hair, make-up and dress myself, because we had planned 5 hours for all those treatments. We arrived at 3 and left the place at 8, so I knew I should have more than enough time for myself too. I was told its a big private wedding salon and by the sound of it I expected something nice not to say luxurious. As we arrived I understood it sure in not private, its a bridal factory, where young ladies go in and doll-faced barbies come out. Sounds dramatic, but this is really how they looked. They all look the same, all wearing a huge puffy dress, heavy Arabic make-up and flashy scarves on the head. Lots of loud shaaby music screaming over the halls and salons. The heavy steam of hair-straighteners making mirrors foggy and cut hair, fake nails, foundation powder laying all over the floors. A cool madhouse in my eyes:)!

Since it's a pretty popular place we had to wait long time for each next treatment. And as we waited I felt we were behind the doctor's cabinet, everybody waiting in live quietly to get their visit with the professional. Imagine lines and lines of girls dressed in white, sitting, sweating and bit by bit loosing their energy.

I only had one problem I faced for myself, since I was of course the only foreigner there, I did not feel free and comfortable to do anything, everybody was staring at me as I was doing my hair or my make-up or putting on my wedding outfit in the dressing room. I would have wanted to do all that in peace and quiet and privately, but that a bit too much to be asked in a place like that.
As for my sweet friend Ulfat, I had to ask the manicure lady to overlook some of her fake nails, because they were placed tilted to one side. I had to ask the make-up lady to also whiten her neck, because it was way too brown compared to her face. Its customary for the brides to have their face foundation very white, to appear more young and fresh or even more European, that's the ideal, white skin. I even had to convince Ulfat to change her wedding dress, because she had chosen a very big one for her body the day before and the salon had had no time to fix it according to her body within the time we returned. She was devastated, because she could not have the design she had chosen, but the new dress was designed for short girls and was much better on her, at least I could not see inside her cleavage! After I had a talk with her big sister on the phone and managed to convince her that the new dress was perfect, she had a short talk with Ulfat and we were back on track, ready to go for make-up. As we were waiting for it in the big hall along the other brides, I manged to kill 2 cockroaches climbing up her white dress.

When Ulfat finally made it to the make-up chair half way through the procedure she fell asleep, and the lady had to wake her up to continue her job. She was simply so tired from the whole thing - packing, moving, preparing, hosting, worrying and being scared and nervous the same time - and all this in very short amount of time. I tried to keep my eye on the making of the make-up, not to have a very heavy mask on her face. I succeeded, she was a perfect and

Not Ulfat, but another perfect bride

gorgeous Egyptian bride! Im sorry because I can't post her photo, just to respect her privacy.

Before we were ready with her, her big sister arrived and at one moment I caught them talking to each other seemingly shy and excited, I understood they were talking about the wedding night. On the last day, 2 hours before the wedding Ulfat had finally dared to ask her big sister, what should she expect and what to do. The big sister was too shy to give her an answer, so she turned to me. A tough question to answer to a virgin girl 2 hours before her wedding. I decided to be supporting and modest, I told the big sister to tell Ulfat to trust his husband, to work together and to relax and enjoy. I also told her make sure she knows she will bleed and she might have pain. She translated these things very shortly and Im not sure what she left in and what out. I think the older sister also needed an advice from someone older than me and she asked the same question from the dress designer and fitter, Madam Nour. She sure wasn't shy! I was really hoping for someone like her to explain things to Ulfat, gesturing with her hands, using good and bad words, getting right to the point without any shame or shyness! I understood she was also explaining her what to do with the bloody sheets after the night. To remove from the bed, fold and keep in a shelve in case the groom's family should request to see it. Once this was over I had more hope for their first night together.
Then her groom arrived and she lit up again, full of energy and excitement. They has a quick session in the photo studio and then continued to the wedding car, classically decorated with flowers - the party and quests were waiting!

Street-wedding

It's a popular way to have weddings, the budget way, to set up the party in the home street of the bride or the groom. All they need to do is to hire someone to bring the chairs, lights and a DJ, also the grand kanaba on a stage for seating the happy couple. One of the families will also serve soft drinks for the quests. Guests are both families of course and the whole street, all the neighbors and their children. As it was otherwise a quiet night in the area, people from streets nearby joined the party, just to check out the bride and groom, get some free drinks and enjoy the DJ, playing the latest shaaby tracks and the best wedding classic (by Ahmed Adaweya, Daal El Soghair, Mohmoud el Hosseny etc).

A typical egyptian wedding does not have too many traditions or games or customs. Most of the time people just mingle, sing, dance or take photos, hang around, check out each others clothes. Our party had the obligatory basic traditions, 
drinking from each others cup. Exchanging wedding rings, signing the official wedding contract. The men made a short trip to the local mosque to listen to the sheikh's traditional wedding prayer, that was strictly men-only event.
During the night the elderly were siting and talking and the young dancing and going around. I think like 60% of the quests were children, absolutely out of control, having full freedom to jump around, scream and have no-one to caution them on the street. Many times when I was trying to take photos of the newly-weds in action I had to fight for my life no to be overrun by masses of children. The young children were the most brave dancers of the whole crowd, only a few teenagers and grown-ups were brave enough to dance the couple baladi on the street. Here is the best little dancer I caught on tape. Please notice that it's a half-private link only to be seen with the link address, please don't share the video's link directly on Your wall, but You are most welcome to share this blog story. I just want to share the best of the best from the wedding, but the same time respect their privacy. Thanks for understanding!

As the chance for free drinks attracted a lot of children from the area, we had a secret question on the door of the house. The drinks were inside and when someone came to ask, we asked them to which family they belong to and after that, what's the name of the bride and groom! Half failed the test and returned empty-handed:)

And then we had another unexpected power-cut! How unlucky, right! But the lights man was prepared thankfully and the battery-lamps were switched on. However we had no music. The egyptian party spirit is so admirable! They continued to celebrate, brought out some drums and sang songs together. For me it was way more uniting than the screaming shaaby noise that the DJ was hired to play. People truly and organically interacting with each other!
The power-cut lasted about an hour and once the electricity came the party continued in full power and more furious than before.

Around 11 o'clock I heard zaffa, the traditional wedding procession rhythm from the speakers. The happy couple started to say good-bye, climbed off their stage and started to make their way to the car to take them to their new home. The quests once again followed a car from the old home to the new and that was their last stop, only the brother and sister of Ulfat went up and made sure they settled in nicely. A warm dinner was waiting for them in their home. And what after happened that can only be in our imagination - the first emotions from the new fully furnished and equipped home, first time she uncovers her hair in-front her husband, first time they enter the bedroom together and a new life and future will start for them.

Ulfat is now a real woman, a respectable married woman and queen of her home. From the bottom of my heart I hope they will have a happy family life, they will learn to live together and be happy and find love...